Ellen DeGeneres

Joke 1: “I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me ‘god’ for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.” 

Joke 2: “Procrastination isn’t the problem. It’s the solution. It’s the universe’s way of saying, ‘Hey, you probably shouldn’t be doing what you’re doing.'” 

Joke 3: “My life is like a romantic comedy, except there’s no romance, and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes.”